FRIENDS: Isolating Myself
There are many reasons I feel very lonely right at this moment.
- Extra hormones in my body because of the baby that are making me feel very tired and reclusive
- Winter, dark (need I say more?)
- Living in a basement with virtually no natural light, so I feel like I need to be hibernating
- Looking at pictures of my other friends out there enjoying life
There are two people who moved out of state recently whom I find myself missing a lot. We hung out with these two the most. We never felt judged around them, we always made each other laugh, and we just had a lot of fun. I miss that. I want that again. If I can’t get it from them, I want to find someone else who can be like that. I want friends who are slightly older than us so they are more mature, but not so much so that we can’t laugh and tell jokes and have a good time. I want friends who know our boundaries but still try to push us to them and then some. I want friends who won’t judge us for our mistakes but rather be by our side to help us discover and correct them. I want friends who will call when they say they will call. I want friends who will return a message as soon as they can instead of ignoring and deleting it.
I want friends….
Maybe it’s me, maybe not, but since said couple has moved away, I have been unable to find the friends I am looking for. I see my old friends being friends to others the way I want. I see friends I’ve known for a long time and am sad and feel guilty for not having the connection I used to with them. I have friends who have damaged our relationship to almost irreplacable measures. I have friends I am terrified to see because I’m too scared to tell how I really feel and don’t want them to see it in my eyes. I have friends I am constantly on eggshells around.
For years, I have danced around what being a friend really means. Based on my knowledge of what being a friend is, I am a horrible friend. I am one of the worst friends in history. I was in the wedding of one of my best friends growing up a few weeks ago, and I felt completely out of place. All her other bridesmaids were girls she had not only known for less time than me but people she sees all the time, hangs out with, goes on road trips with, takes tons of pictures with. They were all incredibly involved in the planning of the wedding, right up to the moment she said I do. And me? I sat in the corner of the room and watched, waiting for someone to give me something to do so I wouldn’t feel so out of place.
Ky is my best friend. I love him and can spend more time with him than I can with anyone else I’ve ever known. And most days, that’s enough. But right now, in this moment, I want something more. I want to go on adventures, get lost, go through challenges, and have a million stories to tell because of it. I can’t help but be a little bitter when I hear people talking about the fun they had on their mission trips, or the fun they had driving to Moab, or all the awesome stuff they did on their trip to Europe.
I am a social disaster. I need help. If there is anyone out there who is willing to help me, please speak up. It will be miserable. It will be like pulling teeth…from a T-Rex. I will not be as willing to be helped as I sound right now. I will fight the social reformation. But deep down inside, I want to change. I want to be less socially awkward. And I want to have friends.
Please. Help.
FRIENDS
I have discovered something lately about myself that I don’t really like that much. I love friends. I’ve always wanted a good friend that I can go to. When I was quite young, my dad was my best friend. As I got older, my neighbor was my best friend. A little older and my girl friend from school was my best friend. Now that I’m married, my husband is my best friend. Through it all, my sister has been my best friend. And for the most part, I am totally okay with that.
Every once in a while, I’ll get an invitation to do something with some friends or even just one friend. But I keep saying no. I keep turning people down. And I think it’s mostly because I’m an I-only-want-or-need-one-good-friend-and-I’m-good kind of person. I never have the motivation to go out with other people and I think that’s why. I spent so many years playing leisurely with one friend or entertaining myself that I don’t need anybody else, or more than one other person, to have a good time. In fact, more often than not, when I’m with more than one person, I feel very strange. I don’t know why.
So to all of those who has ever asked me to hang out or wants to hang out and I have turned you down, I’m really sorry. It has nothing to do with you. I love all of you. I just get really weird and don’t know how to handle myself with other people. I always feel insecure and bad about myself because I am constantly comparing myself to everybody else.
FRIENDS: Swept Away!
Okay, so I’m so excited! One of my best friends of fifteen years, Ashlie, is getting married in January! Although I’ve known this for a while, the flame of excitement has been rekindled because she asked me yesterday if I could go and try on some bridesmaid dresses with her. That wouldn’t be so exciting if I wasn’t a bridesmaid, but luckily, I am. And although I was excited to look at dresses, I was more excited to see Ashlie and Mallory, for sure. I had seen Ashlie more recently, but I hadn’t really seen Mallory since high school, so I was super excited to see her. And I was looking forward to meet Ashlie’s roommate at CSU, Liz.
So today, I woke up and got ready to drive up to Fort Collins. I was doing good, running right on schedule. But something happened, I’m not even really sure what, and I end up leaving about ten minutes late. I finally get on the road, stop at the gas station for a morning snack, and get onto the highway. The second I hit the highway, I realize that I left my phone at home. Crap. So, I have to turn around and go get it. I almost didn’t because I didn’t think I would need it. You will find out later that I definitely needed it.
So I get my phone and head out. I’m now trying to drive a 53 minute drive in 10 minutes. Obviously, I’m not going to do it. But I’m hoping to get there without losing too much more time. Well, that didn’t really work out so well. There were two different construction zones, and two accidents along the way. All four times, traffic slowed to no more than 20 mph for at least two miles each time. You know how you’re on the highway and traffic comes to a hault for no apparent reason, and then, just as you see the accident on the side of the road, traffic starts to pick up again? That pisses me off to no end. ”Look, Martha! Let’s stop in the middle of the highway to stare at those unfortunate people and slow everybody down behind us! I see a dent!”
So anyway, I get to Fort Collins. I hit my exit. I’m cruising right along. I’m supposed to see the street to turn onto about five miles after my exit. Okay, no problem. Well, five miles comes and no sign of it. Ten miles, no sign. I’m into the mountains and I’m thinking to myself, “I don’t think she lives this far west.” Sure enough. I text her and she tells me to turn around. I finally find her house, and we head out to the bridal shop.
Swept Away Bridal Botique I think is the name of it. It’s this cute little bridal shop in Loveland just a few exits south of Fort Collins. We go inside and look at their slideshow of current dresses in stock and soon to be in stock. So, we write down the styles that we want, and the lady gets most of them for us to try on. These are the four that we liked the best that were available in grape:
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- Mallory in the short black number.
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- Me in the pretty lace wrap.
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- Me in my favorite one of the four.
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- Liz in a beautiful halter.
