Tigerlily Sandybanks of Frogmorton

There are many reasons I feel very lonely right at this moment.

1. Extra hormones in my body because of the baby that are making me feel very tired and reclusive
2. Winter, dark (need I say more?)
3. Living in a basement with virtually no natural light, so I feel like I need to be hibernating
4. Looking at pictures of my other friends out there enjoying life

There are two people who moved out of state recently whom I find myself missing a lot. We hung out with these two the most. We never felt judged around them, we always made each other laugh, and we just had a lot of fun. I miss that. I want that again. If I can’t get it from them, I want to find someone else who can be like that. I want friends who are slightly older than us so they are more mature, but not so much so that we can’t laugh and tell jokes and have a good time. I want friends who know our boundaries but still try to push us to them and then some. I want friends who won’t judge us for our mistakes but rather be by our side to help us discover and correct them. I want friends who will call when they say they will call. I want friends who will return a message as soon as they can instead of ignoring and deleting it.

I want friends….

Maybe it’s me, maybe not, but since said couple has moved away, I have been unable to find the friends I am looking for. I see my old friends being friends to others the way I want. I see friends I’ve known for a long time and am sad and feel guilty for not having the connection I used to with them. I have friends who have damaged our relationship to almost irreplacable measures. I have friends I am terrified to see because I’m too scared to tell how I really feel and don’t want them to see it in my eyes. I have friends I am constantly on eggshells around.

For years, I have danced around what being a friend really means. Based on my knowledge of what being a friend is, I am a horrible friend. I am one of the worst friends in history. I was in the wedding of one of my best friends growing up a few weeks ago, and I felt completely out of place. All her other bridesmaids were girls she had not only known for less time than me but people she sees all the time, hangs out with, goes on road trips with, takes tons of pictures with. They were all incredibly involved in the planning of the wedding, right up to the moment she said I do. And me? I sat in the corner of the room and watched, waiting for someone to give me something to do so I wouldn’t feel so out of place.

Ky is my best friend. I love him and can spend more time with him than I can with anyone else I’ve ever known. And most days, that’s enough. But right now, in this moment, I want something more. I want to go on adventures, get lost, go through challenges, and have a million stories to tell because of it. I can’t help but be a little bitter when I hear people talking about the fun they had on their mission trips, or the fun they had driving to Moab, or all the awesome stuff they did on their trip to Europe.

I am a social disaster. I need help. If there is anyone out there who is willing to help me, please speak up. It will be miserable. It will be like pulling teeth…from a T-Rex. I will not be as willing to be helped as I sound right now. I will fight the social reformation. But deep down inside, I want to change. I want to be less socially awkward. And I want to have friends.

Please. Help.